Wow. Clearly it’s been the better part of two years since I’ve posted an entry to this blog that was supposed to mark and archive my monumental trek to self betterment. Can we say “procrastination”?
That’s what it boils down to. I’ve been realizing this about myself over the last few days. I never really thought that I would be back here. Not location wise, but back at this point in my life. I just can’t really wrap my head around it I suppose, and it’s really thrown me into a funk of sorts over the last few days.
I remember, quite vividly, when I lost all my weight a few years back that I made it explicitly known to myself and others that I was not going to ever “be fat” again. Wondering how that turned out?
Nevertheless, I’m here again—at this stage in my life. This point in life where I feel that nothing else matters but me. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, and maybe it is. I really don’t know if I care of not. I need to do this.
I decided to be poetic and make this a real therapeutic moment and prop my laptop on my TV-dinner table, in front of my bedroom window, to look out to the scenery, feel the cool air, and get in touch with myself.
A few units down a father was getting something out of his SUV and the sight of him bending over and straining to reach whatever it is he needed made me giggle and stare. I just have to laugh because that is the root cause of a weight issue: my weight issue. I do not take it seriously and I, too easily, let myself become distracted. Sure I whine about it, I think about it a lot, I avoid mirrors, I convince myself that I’m eating the best that I can. I mean how much more serious can it get? A lot more.
I just had this conversation in passing with one of my besties, Gina. It’s a matter of serious motivation and get up and go effort that I just don’t possess. And this quality just doesn’t seem to be falling out of the sky or in a government program of some sort. Does that mean I have to do this on my own accord? I fear it does.
I say fear because I realize the brute determination and effort it takes to lose weight. I remember the obsessed health nut I became. Thinking of food as simply a fuel; and, knowing its nutritional impact before I even fathomed eating it. Watching in lust, my friends consume whatever it is they wanted and thinking to myself, “Ha, they don’t understand what I understand.” Silly me.
One thing that happened to me when I lost weight, and I attribute a lot of it being the young age I was, as well as the way my life had shaped itself up to that point, was that I became prideful, overzealously so. I remember mocking overweight individuals and saying rude things, never to their face (manners of course), and my friends who knew the journey I had been on would scold me in disbelief. “Alex?! Don’t say things like that.” And, of course, I would shrug them off. I knew it all. I had conquered the beast. I beat it. Right.
Back to present day. I recently took inventory of myself and of course my eating habits are atrocious, my exercise regiment is nonexistent, and my self-discipline has all but disappeared. I plan on chronicling this journey via blog; so that hopefully, at some point, I can look back and see how far I came.
I took “before” pictures today. I dare not publish those babies on the Internet, and also too because I would like to see firsthand, by myself, a transformation take place. In health, spirit, and body. To slightly rejuventate myself I've been looking at my old before/after pics of myself (attached). Dear 2003, can you please come back?
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